Big thing for me, to be leaving my little home for a couple days.  I hope I enjoy the retreat and am not bored.  That's always my biggest fear.

Off to the gym, and then on to H-town for the retreat, starting out around 4.  See you all when I get back!

Took a day off the gym today.  Went to see mom, then tried to nap - not happening.  It was blah weather.  Neither cool, damp, gray skies, very depressing.

Hit my meeting and then the diner after.  I pigged out.  Oh well.  Tomorrow I go to the gym and then home to get ready to go to my retreat for the weekend. 

My kitties are going to miss me.  Sigh.  But I understand it is a nice spiritual experience, a retreat.  I hope so.  I need a major jolt of spirit.

183.2

Nothing special day....

My sister is mad at me because my mom's phone is about to be shut off and it is her responsibility to pay.  She is mad because she did not know it was her responsibility to pay because she throws the bills out when they come in the mail.  This is like having her car booted or towed (2 yrs in a row) because she failed to pay property taxes and register her car.  She makes her own damned problems, and then whines at anyone within whining distance.  All she does is work and drink.  Her home is a pigsty, really squalid, and she doesn't take care of her own business.  This is not my fault!!!

Ah the holidays are upon us.  My family is nasty.  I may bow out completely.  Problem is my dad is the only source from which I can hope to inherit any money and at this point I may be desperate enough to kiss his arse just enough to keep myself in the will.  That might actually simplify everything.  Just pay attention to him and ignore the rest?

Went to my meeting and the gym again today, same ol' same ol'.  Still down a bit weightwise. 

183.4 - Before Workout!

Went to see mom earlier today.  She was too sleepy to even sit up so I left.  I talked to her nurse a bit;  seems mom is really difficult to deal with and constantly med-seeking.  In a different tack, I told the nurse to call me or my sister for backup if mom gives her too much trouble.  Among her many meds she's on Lyrica, Requip and Vicodin...the nurse is afraid to give her Vicodin most of the time because of the other two.  But my mom agitates constantly for more. 

I am thrilled to say I have won another pound in the battle of the bulge.  Half hour on the Cybex again and half on the treadmill.  Even though my back is still stiff and a little sore.  I asked G what I should do and he said, "Stay home."  Then I asked him what HE would do, and he said, "Me?  You know me; I go in when I'm walking all twisted and bent over.  Nothing stopped me."  Silly man.  So I went.  And was surprised to see the scales reading back 183.4 before I even worked out (after the workout it was 183.0 but I had also drunk a diet pepsi to keep hydrated.  I typically lose 4/5 lb in water working out). 

I hope I have broken through whatever has been keeping me from losing.  I think that breaking the workout into two half-hour segments is working.

No meetings for me today; Tuesday is my "day off."  I am so tired of the sickos I am running into or hearing about that I am going to try to keep myself scarce from those meetings.  I've got a nice meeting on Wednesday night that I always look forward to.  Tomorrow noon is my GSR commitment meeting.  I get to go introduce the "blue card" which welcomes the dually-addicted to share about their problems with alcohol.  I expect I won't be winning any popularity contests, especially among the younger crowd. 

shhhh....Christmas Shopping

I decided to pull some money out of my somewhat tightly guarded small savings and spend it on Christmas.  I am not in any kind of emotional shape this year to have another Christmas where I don't get anything for anyone because I really can't.  I don't care.  I am going to enjoy giving gifts to people this year. 

Time will come where I don't have this option.  I will worry about that when that time comes.  It may never come, who knows?  Maybe I will be able to work again some day.  For now I am just a borderline mess with no self esteem.

But I did get some good gifts.  Not expensive, just useful.  And now I am off to see Sponsor for coffee and conversation before the meeting.  I had a good conversation with a fellow I feel is very spiritual today, after the noon meeting.  I am going to ask for the Spirituality of Imperfection as a gift.  Although I may do an end run and buy it for myself before I go on retreat this weekend.