I am going to see my psychiatrist tomorrow.  I need to change something up drastically.  There is no color in my world.  I don't want to get out of bed in the morning and frequently rise around 11:30.  I wouldn't mind dying as long as it didn't hurt too much.  I'm not actively suicidal, but there is nothing on the planet that interests me much.  I am just flatlining, emotionally.

I am not painting, still.  I am not really writing much.  Not going for walks.  Not doing anything with my camera.  Even going to the Beardsley Zoo with my sister didn't give me the usual happy thrill (I do love seeing the animals though). 

There are things around the house that I could be doing but I am not interested.  There are boxes and boxes of my stuff in the attic that I refuse to unpack.  I had to coax myself into clearing up the worn clothing pile on my steamer trunk.  There is dust on everything in both my rooms. 

I know I am going for a sleep study;  that is probably part of it, not sleeping well.  But that doesn't answer everything.

I am on four, count-em, four different types of antidepressant.  Typically, they worked wonders in their first week and then stopped working. 

Maybe ECT?  Just wrote my doc and asked for it.

Currently Soles on Earth By Zingaia Bone Dance see related

I am suffering from the lull in "excitement" which has come as a result of not going to the nightly gossip-fest at the diner.  I am sure I will find something productive to fill the time.  I really want to send that last arrow but I know it won't find it's mark.

Speaking of productive:  I am hoping that it IS sleep apnea and a CPAP machine will make a change in my life.  I have been low-energy for so long I forget what it is like to get up in the morning and actually want to do things. 

Ok, off to visit...

I finally got tired of being so tired, and went to the doctor today.  He suspects strongly that I have sleep apnea, so he is sending me to do a sleep study.  It's at the Ttown Marriott, whohoo.  So I'll get a night in a hotel room, wired up, and snooze for the doctors.  If I do have it, that means I will likely have to get a machine to help me breathe at night.

"Untreated sleep apnea can:

• Increase the risk for high blood pressure, heart attack, stroke, obesity, and diabetes
• Increase the risk for or worsen heart failure
• Make irregular heartbeats more likely
• Increase the chance of having work-related or driving accidents "

(from "Sleep Apnea, What is it?" from the National Heart Lung and Blood Institute
http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/dci/Diseases/SleepApnea/SleepApnea_WhatIs.html)

I've hit a bottom with my weight (no pun intended) and am just not consuming copious quantities of food.  I have started eating breakfast too.  That really helps to keep me from getting hungry during the day.  So many problems that are dogging me are centered in my weight:  being able to move, bend over and so forth, worry about my health, men not interested in me, self esteem...I am hopefully going to be able to garner some new energy once this apnea thing is sorted out so I will feel like exercising instead of getting back into bed all day.

My other doc says I had a slightly abnormal Pap smear so I have to have a biopsy on Saturday.  Not looking forward to that. 

I'm changing up a couple of my meetings to stay away from FM.  Good thing about having been around so long;  I know people wherever I go so I never feel out of place at a meeting hereabouts.  I wonder if he's trashing me to other people.  Oh well.  Lie down with dogs, get up with fleas.  My own doing.  If you're listening to him talk about other people, he's probably talking about you too.

Spent a couple hours with Sponsor tonight, and her kitties.  We talked a bit about my step 9, and why I left my previous sponsor.  I gave her some examples and it seems she has a more common sense approach to things.  She is more "grown up" than previous Sponsor was...previous Sponsor was NOT a happy person and has nothing I want. 

So I broke my own new rule and went to the diner yet again.  I was good;  I had only coffee.  I have decided that a number of my problems have to do with my weight and I think I have finally reached a bottom with it.

FM is indeed toxic company.  He insisted on sitting next to me, until his newest interest showed up and we changed tables to accommodate the larger number of people.  He waited for her to be seated and pulled up a chair next to her.  It did not do anything to enhance my mood.  The five of us were there as friends.  I did not like the gesture. 

I have told SK that FM is not his friend;  that he tells people SK is a stalker and has a dark side, that he needs help and can't be trusted.  I wonder what he tells people about me?

I am sure I am feeding his ego by being upset.  He must take it that I still hold a candle for him.  It really isn't that.  It's watching him manipulate and negotiate, emasculate (by always paying the tab) and denigrate, all behind backs.

I am furious to the core.  I dislike this man.  I imagine that if I call him on his ugliness he'll retailiate by telling people horrible things about me.  I'm really tempted to post this to facebook.

I have decided I don't wanna go to the diner and talk about other people all night every night.  I was feeling awfully depressed today and I think it is because I am beating myself up over that.  It's not me.  It's not who I want to be. 

So here it is, 4th of July...the other dry drunks are all at the picnic, lighting off fireworks, and finishing the potato salad.  I went for a couple hours earlier today but got bored fast and left.  Too bad:  the weather was perfect. 

Just as I was lying in bed, wondering how to do myself in, my sponsor called to invite me to dinner.  More kitten therapy!  I went over there and played with her cats, and ate their superb burgers and felt much better. 

I will now turn in with a book, and maybe get to sleep at a human hour.