butshebites's Xanga

184.2

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 19:24:18 GMT

My back just almost went out. Rassinfrassingarblegrunt...

I worked out anyway. 30 minutes on the cybex elliptical and 30 minutes on the treadmill. I took a rest in between. No weights: I'm too scared to do that with my back threatening me. Just took a hot shower and am going to lie down with a heating pad. I suppose I love my life. I am free to take care of me!

Theodore and Aïda are fighting at night when it is time for me to go to bed. It has gotten so bad I have to take one or the other into my room and shut the door against the other one. Last night was Aïda's turn to snuggle with mommy. Theodore wriggled his way into G's sympathy and got to spend the night on daddy's bed.

I don't know what to do about their fighting. Theo won't let Aïda on the bed when he's on it, and if she is on it already he jumps up and runs her off. She in turn has managed to scratch him up quite a bit. Honestly! It's like having feuding 2-year olds in the house.

Yawn

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 22:09:33 GMT

Today I got up and felt like doing nothing. I went to see mom for a bit, then home and got into bed for a couple hours. I blew off the gym.

GSR last night was every bit as riveting and spellbinding as ever (not). But it was good to be sitting in a room with winners, people who want to serve and who care about the organization.

Afterwards, FM and I went to Texas Roadhouse where I had an itty bitty piece of steak and some veggies. I did fall off my diet, though, and ate a couple rolls with butter.

I'm getting too frustrated with the whole weightloss thing. I have never had to work so hard to lose a pound. Six weeks and five pounds. I'm not building THAT much muscle! I will keep at it though. I haven't completely given up although I wish there were someone to whom I could appeal.

It's only ten after six and I'm bored out of my mind. Reminds me why I had myself on such a rigorous schedule. I hate being bored. Nothing on TV but the endless disinformation being provided by CNN and FOX.

185.0

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 20:59:13 GMT

EDIT: Please visit Nanny at Nancybratt She is experiencing multisystem failure due to past eating disorder troubles. She just lost her beloved kitty, Simba aka Timmy.

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Damn weight isn't budging. I might have to start keeping a diet diary. The thought is tedious and tiresome. Self honesty can be a bitch. I split my cardio into two pieces today; used the Cybex elliptical for a half hour and then did my upper body (carefully!) and then on to the treadmill for a half hour again. I hurt lol.

Tonight is my first GSR meeting in ages, since my previous sober incarnation. GSR stands for Group Service Rep, and basically means I represent a certain group at the district level. I wonder if I should be putting any of this in print. Anyway, it can be boring and political but it's also interesting and a nice way to be of service.

They always have cookies there. Uh oh.

MetLife's denial of my request for reinstatement of my long-term disability benefits is still sitting on my desk. I was going to pick it apart line by line and re-appeal but for some reason I am just not motivated. I have nothing to lose and a lot to gain. I guess they are counting on a universal dislike of paperwork.

Ok, off to eat some vegetables...

184.2

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 22:09:10 GMT

I ran into a helpful fellow at the gym today. He's a free-lance personal trainer and was really just doing what he liked to do, help people work out. He said that doing an hour on the treadmill lost its fat-burning efficiency after 30 minutes, and that I should break it into two half-hour sessions, working with weights in between. So maybe that would yield more in the way of results as my weight loss has been s-l-o-w.

He's not allowed to charge for services at Planet Fitness and he said he really wasn't trying to get me to work with him. I guess some people are just nice. That kind of made my day. Oh, and he also said I should use the Cybex machine and that the treadmill is murder on my knees. I'll give it a try tomorrow.

After that I went and got my nails done. They look mahvelous.

I really had no oomph this morning to get going, missed my noon meeting because of the darned diner last night - too much coffee again - but will salvage the day with a meeting tonight and NO DINER.

Ok, off to visit a few subs before meeting time...

184.6

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 03:44:57 GMT

So tired. Went to see mom. She wouldn't stop carping about having her new dress dry cleaned so I left. We don't dry clean in this family. We can't afford it! She said she'd pay for it. I said "No, it can go into the laundry." "Well then who's going to press it?" I shrugged. Ka bought it for her. Not my problem.

Ok, enough of that. I know she's cooped up in what is essentially a dorm room and she's sick and doesn't feel good a lot of the time. But it doesn't wash away the fact that she raised a borderline personality-disordered daughter. I didn't get crazy by myself. I'm still pretty mad about this. I really resent the hell out of her. Insane fucking cow.

I'll get over it again. I did it once, I will again.

Went to the gym, made it through my workout. Even ramped it up a tiny notch. Home for a nap and then off to Sponsor's house to meet her new kitten, Casper. He's all white except for two gray smudges on top of his head, and he has blue eyes. Adorable little fluffball. Sponsor has too many cats. I'd say 16 is too many, wouldn't you? But her house is clean and all the cats are brushed (long haired) and bright-eyed. I just worry what will happen if her landlord ever finds out. It's insanity and she can't see it. That's ok. She's pretty darned sane in most aspects of her life so I'll take it. Nobody in The Rooms is all there.

Went to the diner, met FM, Randy, Cindy and Jan. It was a nice evening, and here I am. Pray I can sleep, after all that coffee!

Oh...and I have this sneaking feeling that in my rush to help get Bush out of office, I overlooked (deliberately) some things about Obama. Now that they are trying to throw crumbs to Acorn, I am wide awake. Whatever good that org has done it has a history of serious corruption. That and the whole Blagojevitch mess...is making me think this may be one corrupt president. And a deliberate move by others to put Hillary next in line.

I am a Democrat; I actually don't mind "big government" and I think that my medicare works just fine as socialized medicine. But this health care bill is not making anyone happy but the insurance companies. The fact that there is a public option attached means there is no way it is going to make it through the Senate. It just squeaked thru the House. I am all for a public option but am afraid we won't get it. It is just going to be like automobile insurance all over again. Legalized extortion.

Too many small things are lining up to make me look at Obama in a slightly different light.

Better

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 02:51:39 GMT

Ok, I'm back to being calm. I was going to say "normal," but I'm never that. Perceived rejection sends the borderline over the edge.

Went to a gathering of ladies to celebrate a 4th anniversary. It was okay. I ate way too much, and I suppose I should brace myself for the weight not moving downward. Back on the treadmill tomorrow!

185.4

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 01:13:26 GMT

I think that AA is full of shit. I hear people talking about "unconditional love" and I wonder what planet they're on. I know I am not the easiest person to get close to, but man...I feel like I am back in high school at times. I feel like an outsider in the ultimate group of outsiders. I paid for that seat.

I have no choice but to keep going, because last time I went down this road I drank again. But why am I here at this pass again? Because it's true. I need to claim my seat by sharing once in a while. It's not up to you to judge my words.

People do not befriend me. That's ok. Throw me a crumb once in a while. I know I'm not all warm and fuzzy but it doesn't mean I don't have feelings. People who have tried to befriend me mistakenly think I don't care about them.

I know I am mentally ill but I don't look it and I do my level best not to act it. I don't have to tell you about the monsters in my head. You don't need to know.

So much for unconditional love. So much for "we'll love you until you can love yourself." Never, ever seen any of that. Never.

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Went to the gym and worked out. Was going to Sponsor's to see her new kitty but she wasn't home at the time so came home and played on this machine until meeting time. I sure hope that I can find a way to hang only with winners. I feel so hurt. Story of my life when it comes to Other People.

I had such hopes for this new medication. I guess there are no quick fixes for the damned.

185.2

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 01:42:26 GMT

Well at least I did not gain any appreciable weight. Went to the damned diner last night and drank too much coffee again ::sigh:: woke up late, went to the gym, and came home and had to get back into bed with the heating pad on my shoulder and back. Riding in the car seems to be the worst thing for it.

Stopped at Trader Joe's and picked up some salsa/dip for Sunday - I will be going to celebrate a friend's 4th AA anniversary then. I also got another coupon for DSW shoes....so now I have a total of $45 in coupons to play with! I probably should get a pair of good sneaks. The ones I have are pretty old.

I am incredibly grateful that I do not have to get up every morning and go to work right now. I can work on getting sane and losing weight. The new medications are working out really well.

Jabba the Hut

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 18:44:12 GMT

That's what I feel like. Haven't been to the gym since Tuesday, and won't be going today. That'll teach me to choose between increasing the weights and doing more reps. I can be such a dope.

The only thing that hurts now is something deep in my shoulder in back. The doctors would not prescribe percs or even vicodin even though it felt like my arm was falling off or I was being stabbed. The DEA is apparently really keeping a close watch on all narcotics being prescribed. I spent all day yesterday in bed with MOIST HEAT a la heating pad and damp cloth. Thanks to carolinamuscle for the tip. I really hope I didn't rip anything off its moorings.

Theodore is sitting at my left hand, on the desk. He has turned into a real lovebug. I am so glad I made the trip to PA to get him a couple years ago. I have great cats.

Being back on the new meds has made a world of difference. I am calm and peaceful. That doesn't mean I am zombiefied; I just am not in a place where everyone is evil and out to get me and I suck. Plus I don't sleep away the day.

pain sucks

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 00:42:01 GMT

back hurts. saw the doc. skelaxin, naprosyn and tylenol with a heating pad/nap aren't touching it. called the doc on call (my doc!) and he said give it all a chance til tomorrow a.m. going to drag the camping pad down from the attic and sleep on the floor tonight, maybe a flat surface. not very good at suffering in silence! lol...